Today’s entry is not any exiting story. It is a conclusion that I have arrived to as an individual living in europe for almost 2 and a half years. It is a conclusion not about Europe but closer to an understanding of how Europe, or Europeans more precisely have afected me mentaly and personaly.
As I walked down the streets of Nis last night I saw a fellow from the hostel sitting at a restaurant. I said hello and he invited me to sit and eat together. His name was N and he was English, excelent company. During our time together I learned about the Otoman empire and the history of Nis. But who was N? What was he about. I tried changing the direction of our conversation but I found my self speaking alone and being looked at in awe. I spoke about people, about myself, about how I felt about the concentration camp he had visited in Nis and how I FELT about things and histories.
I have nothing against western Europeans, how could I live there if I did? But they are so stiff, dull and closed. They are an open book in the literal sense. Finding an open westerner is like finding a tasteful tomato from their own production. They neither produce it or if they do it’s tasteless, red as a tomatol yes, but no personality. They are impersonal, and never something about them. Only about things or others. I don’t mean they have to be a “me, me, me” person, but it’s like talking to a machine or reading wikipedia. I don’t want to only hear from someone the Ottoman history, as I said I can read a book about it. In the least I want to know how they feel about the Ottomans. But don’t try to ask them this, they think you want to hear more objective history What’s wrong with exposing ones feelings, ideas and personalty? What is this fear of subjectivity? How can I be myself when people look at me strange when I expose my opinion and show myself? Am I a monster? Do I say the wrong things or speakn I blasphemy?
To fit in western society I have been too preocupied with enciclopedias and textbooks and abandoned my feelings and opinions. They have been lost for some time now, but I have found them and discovered how important they were to me. I will not let go this time whatever look or reproach I get. I am who I am, I’d rather have people dislike me because of who I am than like me because I am not.
